tonight i spoke with this guy who i have had an undying love for ever since i first saw his gorgeous face. as he sort of looked like a cross between a musketeer, and orlando bloom, i lovingly gave him the name musky.

now musky is one of the most attractive men i have ever seen. it was for this reason that i was so incredibly surprised when i discovered that he had been “stalking” me, and threads that i have made in various forums, for about a half a year now.

we finally ended up having a lovely conversation together via a public forum for quite awhile just getting to know each other a bit better, and it was obviously amazing, but because this is the internet the entire time this was happening there were men being either rude, or completely perverted, flirting with me as well as treating me like an object the entire time i was trying to speak to my dashing man.

now seeing as this is the internet, and i am in no way shy about my body, or my life, i am fairly used to a variety of comments. however this was honestly the first time that i thought about equality within the transgender community, what a lot of transwomen want, and what it actually means. because although many people may feel braver behind their keyboard it’s a sad thing to say that said bravery just helps them get their honest point across.

i am referencing transwomen specifically in this post because although most people want equality within the transgender umbrella as well as within the LGBT community, transwomen have both the barrier of women’s rights as well as transgender rights between them, and their perceived finish line. also being a transgender woman, i can only really speak from my own experience, and perception anyways.

often times you’ll see transwomen speak about how they want to be accepted as a woman, or how they want to be treated as such, incredibly badly. to be stealth, to be normal…those sorts of things.

personally, i think that’s a fairly reasonable thing to want.
the only problem with that is you shouldn’t be trying to cross the barrier of “manhood” so to speak, and end your race to success at the finish line that is the current treatment of women.

the finish line shouldn’t be being treated like a woman is today.
the finish line should be being treated like a person.

a lot of women, mainly feminists, don’t like transwomen for this reason. to a lot of feminists we are asking to be treated in a way that they want to exonerated from.

i’ve talked about this quite often in a variety of ways. how we as transgender women want to be treated a certain way, or accepted a certain way. however… i never quite realized what i did until tonight.

i mean, for women, feminism is a vehicle in which to become accepted as equals, essentially as human beings in general, and that makes a lot of sense.
african american people had movements in which to bring equality, and to end racism as much as they could anyways, so that they could be treated as human beings. which makes a lot of sense as well.

various kinds of people have sought out equality among themselves as well as their fellow people for quite awhile now. thanks to those people we are, although not as close as we may like to be, nearing equality for everyone.

so why exactly do some transgender women want to be treated like a woman today that does not have equality?

it’s odd, the more you think about it, the more you realize that a lot of transgender people are fighting to be seen as a label, or a female archetype.

it’s also conflicting because we’re taught that people will hate us for being ourselves, but without embracing who we are we’re just adding an extra barrier between us, and the finish line that is being seen as a person. a human being.

this is honestly baffling me right now. i’m very well aware of the fact that a lot of transgender women may continue fighting the olympian challenge that is equality, and  just leap into the feminist movement right after they’ve crossed the bridge that is “womanhood”, but still.

why are we putting up this extra barrier when we already are women, and more importantly, people?

is it because we’re afraid of being seen as different?
is it because we can’t think of a different way, or are we just plain afraid?

tonight i was treated amazingly by a gorgeous man because he had a crush on me. he knew my personality, and liked me as a person. albeit he stalked me a bit, but still.

at the same time i was also treated like a piece of meat by various men who just saw me as a woman.

in any sort of relationship, be it a friendship or otherwise, the person is going to grow to like, or even love, you. someone grows close to you, and develops various feelings for you when they get to know you as a person.

it’s the same thing as when you get comfortable with your body, or who you are. you don’t see yourself as any specific label. you just see yourself as you.

when i think back to every positive experience in my live involving another person, i can honestly attribute every occurrence to the person’s fondness of me. not solely on my small boobs, my genitals, my frailty, my hair color, or anything else of that nature.

every instance in which they praised those things, and solely those things, was a negative one. being treated like a piece of meat, a dildo with a woman attached, being seen as an object, etc…

although i haven’t exactly known this guy for all that long, and i wouldn’t say there are any sort of strong feelings associated with him specifically at this time, it made me wonder:

when equality doesn’t even mean being an equal, why exactly are we settling for it?

so at the moment i’m somewhat frustrated about the fact that my vintage-style dresses from modcloth have not arrived yet regardless of the “overnight shipping” i paid for, and that prompted me to start thinking about various things that frustrate me because of the need i feel to outlet my anger in some way.

reading a lot of transgender, and male-to-female tagged posts today, along with my frustration with the fashion industries slowing arrival, got me thinking. i started to think about transvestism, and cross-dressing as a whole.

for a long time now the terms transvestite, and crossdresser, have been up for debate. various movies as well as the media will use the terms interchangeably to mean either someone wearing the opposite sex’s societal assigned clothing for various reasons, or to mean that the main reason behind doing so is that of a fetishistic, or sexual nature. 

for this post i’m going to use transvestite as the sexual term, and crossdresser as the non-sexual term.

now as someone who does not identify as a feminist, but believes in quite a few of their ideals, i can personally say that i hate transvestism. quite a bit actually.

i’ve dated men who like to wear women’s clothing during sex because it “turns them on”, and in itself i don’t hate the men who do it, and i don’t hold it against them in any way. often times i’ll indulge them because i’m the type of person sexually who likes to please their partner as much as i can. i’m also fairly submissive, but that’s another story.

the reason i hate transvestism, or it’s core anyways, is because of what it’s saying.

men who wear women’s clothing during sex, and get turned on by the “taboo” of it, are often doing so as a degrading or a submissive sexual act. they’re wearing women’s clothing because to them it is degrading to be a woman, or wearing women’s clothing makes them “weaker” or more submissive by default.

it reinforces every single stereotype that exists about women today.

now as i have said, and will say again, the men who i’ve been with who are interested in this sort of thing are often nice guys, and i don’t hold anything against them. i have friends who just think of it as a sexual hobby, and they are also nice people. i am in no way saying that just because someone enjoys this they are a horrible person, or anything as ludicrous as that.

at the same time however it is for that reason that it infuriates me so much.
these people were raised to think in this way.
they were raised with the preconceived notion that women are weaker, women aren’t equal to men, and every other little thing that most guys you think of as assholes actually, and openly believe.

this also worries me because in that sense, no matter how much a guy may respect a woman, in the back of his mind he still thinks that she as a gender is worth less than he is.

it’s funny because in that sense it’s quite easy to understand why the fetishization of transwomen is as rampant as it is, and transmen don’t see it quite as often. 
it’s also almost comical in a sense because it doesn’t just cover transwomen. as transwomen we may be defined as “the other white meat”, or seen as something entirely different, but either way the basis of all of this is that, to so many people, we are men who are choosing to be less than men.

now any trans person, any gay person, any queer person, anyone at all who goes through anything similar knows that this isn’t a choice. if you’d like to say anything is a choice at all the only response i can give is that the only choice you make is to either be who you are, and live your life the way you want and need to, or hate yourself for the rest of your life. regardless, the stigma remains the same.

although we as people are all equal, to so many, any male exhibiting behavior that is associated with a female is seen as less of a person because of it.

how degrading an entire gender became a fetish i’m not sure, but it is what it is;
what it is being total bullshit.

with the popularization of pornography as well as the internet, the fantasy that is being “weak” and “feeble” grew exponentially, and the term “trap” went from being a term that just meant a woman who you wouldn’t know had a penis, to being a term for any guy who puts on a pair of panties.

the fantasy started to mix with reality, and transvestism as well as every fetish associated with it has become a lot more common than it used to be.

wearing a dress, acting girly, being feminine, and everything else associated with it have been things the masculine have mocked for quite a long time now, but at the end of the day that’s the reason i hate transvestism. it cements every stereotype, every sexist belief, every feminine wile, and portrays every aspect of being a woman as a degrading or humiliating one, and frankly… i don’t agree with that.

i love my hair in curls, i love dresses, i love flowers, i love makeup, and everything associated with it. i do enjoy what most would classify as feminine, and although in a sense it is the same thing as stereotyping a gender, it should be acceptable because i am celebrating femininity. i also celebrate aspects of masculinity as well.

it shouldn’t be acceptable to celebrate the degradation of femininity or women, or to celebrate the masculine and mock the feminine, but for some reason, it kind of is.

i really hope i haven’t offended anyone with this post, although i probably did, but more so i hope that one day it will be acceptable for me to praise the feminine and the masculine equally.

because right now the only thing acceptable about appreciating femininity is appreciating the objectification of it, and not even that is seen as acceptable to it’s full extent.

to the people who dress in women’s clothing, but don’t do it for a sexual thrill, i would like to say you’re all amazing. crossdressers shouldn’t even be labeled as such because i don’t recall the last time i heard someone call a woman wearing men’s clothing a crossdresser, but still.

some people will take pictures, or wear women’s clothing in the privacy of their home as well because they’re not quite ready to transition, and to those of you who do this i would like to say that i respect you just as much as someone who has gone through their transition. being uneasy or not being ready to transition is not the same as cowardice, and i don’t think anyone who has transitioned is better than anyone else who has or hasn’t. we’ve all been there at one point.

however… i do hope i’m alive to see the day when femininity is seen as strong, and not in any way, shape, or form seen as weak. i hope i’m alive to see the day equivalence is reality, and that transwomen won’t be uneasy about transitioning because expressing feminine qualities means the possibility of threatening their life, or destroying their existence. when everyone in the LGBT community is seen as equal to everyone else.

but chances are, i won’t be.

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so i just sort of had an argument with an underage mother.

now i say sort of because this was over facebook, and i certainly don’t think that batting comments back and forth over a social networking site is necessarily a debate. at least not a serious one, for me, anyways.

however, what bothered me most about this …incident i suppose is that it was all over a seventeen year old girl who’s had sex with about 30 men.

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i know so many people that are just so incredibly lazy.

now let me preface this by saying that i am by no means the most active, and motivated person in the world. i love staying at home, laying in bed, and doing nothing just as much as anyone else. i am a self-proclaimed homebody, and i am damn proud.

however… the kind of people i am referring to are the people that need motivation to do anything at all that needs to be done, or blame others for the lack thereof.

i honestly don’t understand the people who ramble about their love for makeup or fashion or just anything really, and then don’t do their hair or makeup and wear old rags every day of their fucking life. the people who talk about how much they hate their job, or hate not having a job, and then either don’t look for a job at all or don’t look very hard.

those people who don’t even have motivation to do the things they claim they love.

i am referring to the people who talk about how much they dislike something, but do absolutely nothing to change it.

now we all know the type. the girl who talks about how much she hates being unhealthy or being overweight, but refuses to actually eat properly or exercise.
the type of person who decides to instead not eat for a week because they are ‘anorexic’, and then eat five pizzas over the weekend while blaming a self-diagnosed mental illness for their problems.

of course, there are a lot of different mental issues that can attribute to things such as anorexia, or bulimia, or anything of that nature. that is a whole separate issue. i’m talking about the people who claim they’re anorexic, but just don’t eat every day and then eat everything in sight a few days later. the people who claim they are depressed, but then use their depression as a crutch or as a means to avoid taking any responsibility for their own life or existence.

i’m getting sick of these people. they’re the ones that make mental illness, cultural fashions, ‘trends’, points of view, or really anything into a mockery of itself. they’re the ones who complain that something is ‘against their religion’, but don’t see why it is they might actually have to study the religion they’re preaching about or using to make their point. the ones who live their lives in a half-ass way, and make people who actually suffer or actually have a passion or a goal in life seem like they’re just full of shit.

i fucking hate these people because although i may not be the most motivated person in the world, and although i may not be as passionate as other people in the world, and although i may not by any means be perfect… i do what i have to do to be who i am, and i pursue what i have to pursue to live my life the way i want. i take full responsibility for my choices, and even when it really is all someone else’s fault i accept that it is my fault that i had faith in said person or went about trusting them in the fashion in which i did, and it is my responsibility to deal with the consequences that i allowed to take place.

so in case you feel like bitching about how awful your life is, or how you hate that you don’t dress up as nice as you used to anymore, or you complain that you’re not at your ideal weight… please remember that it is your fault that you are the way that you are, and it is your fault that your life is what it is. more often than not, unless you’ve gotten professional help for your problems, you do not have said anorexia that you diagnosed yourself. you are not actually clinically depressed. you are not anything. you are just lazy.

don’t waste my time or yours by pretending it isn’t, and please don’t waste either of our time pretending you actually intend to do something different in your life to actually accomplish your goals in a healthy, and responsible way.

frankly it’s a childish way to think, and i’m just plain sick of it.

take some responsibility for yourself. 

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i feel as if a lot of people think that i should feel bad for wanting to date someone i find physically appealing and/or hot, and that it’s bad that i have certain standards and expectations about my partners physical appearance.

‘all u care about r lookz and u dont even knw me i could be da 1 ur shallow’ BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH

personality is great, but i’m getting annoyed by the amount of people who think that looks do not matter at all. looks matter a lot.

looks draw you in, personality keeps you there.
you still need to be drawn to them in the first place to figure that out tho. don’t pretend like it’s any different than it is.

you can also tell how well someone takes care of themselves by their grooming habits and their choice in clothing and such. if you never exercise, can’t walk up a flight of stairs without feeling like you’re going to die, or treat your body horribly….i don’t think i want to know about how you treat other aspects of your life.

it’s like dating someone with disgusting teeth. you can’t even remember to brush your teeth, but you want me to take you seriously?

I’M JUST SAYING. looks can be deceiving, but i’d rather be deceived by a pretty face than an ugly one.

/rant 

so i’m finally moving in the right direction with my future husband, aka the man i’ve been pretty much in love with for the last year and a half.

you know, the man i should have dated and started a life with instead of my ex.

the perfect, 6”0’, tatted up ginger man with a heart of gold who has always been there for me, and who i never should have ‘friendzoned’ when i was in my last relationship.

for the sake of privacy, we’ll call him…tatt.

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the amount of people who dislike me or hold some hatred against me simply because i’m prettier than they are is getting out of hand.

i have never been one to assume that someone is jealous of my looks or envious, EVER. i would occasionally troll people by saying ‘dnt h8 me cuz im beutiful’ but i’ve never, ever genuinely believed anyone in this world could ever be envious of anything i am or have… until recently.

as of late, it’s becoming more and more extremely evident that this is actually happening, and it’s really starting to piss me off. i’ve had so many people hate me, send me hundreds of messages, harass me, and talk shit to/about me merely because they find me more attractive than they are within the last …4-5 months.

and i’m not exaggerating. i literally mean hundreds of messages across various social networking sites and emails.

these are people that i’ve either never spoken to, or have been completely nice to and given no reason to dislike me. i just don’t get it.

i don’t understand how someone could actually despise someone else merely because they look better than they do.

it’s not my fault that i actually take time to look pretty and know how to dress myself. please don’t hate me because i’m beautiful. seriously.

/vainrant

i don’t know what it is lately, but i more and more just want to stop eating, pierce my body//tattoo up my arms and legs, put on another 5 lbs of makeup and bleach the shit out of my hair (both real and fake).

and though i do kind of give credit to the fact that i often get depressed and wish to change my look because of it, what i did realize is that i have to chalk a good amount of this up to the fact that i just adore man made beauty.

we live in a country where being fake means more than being real, being a knockoff is just cheaper, self-harm is always selfless, and perfection is a stones throw away. all you have to do is die a little each day.

this is something a vast majority of the world  ―along with our own country ― hates, and for good reason.

not eating, cutting yourself, hiding behind a mask, vastly altering your body, becoming a mannequin, and obsession aren’t exactly things i think anyone condones too much, or at least condones to it’s extreme.

however, i feel like no one really understands what goes into all of that or the art of it all.

i’ll probably get a lot of varying opinions for this, and of course i’m open to them and understand where they’re coming from, but to go against nature isn’t exactly an easy thing to do. it’s interesting, and amazing to be quite honest.

there is art in someone who starves themselves for their aesthetic.

there is art in someone who chooses to alter their body in a way only a human can.

there is art in obsession. there’s art in everything.

don’t get me wrong, if you’re on the brink of death you most definitely have your priorities a little mixed up, but i can’t help but marvel and simply envy the vanity and lengths people will and have gone through for their own art or their vision of perfection.

what people don’t seem to understand is that anorexia is an extreme to dieting.
piercing your lip, or eyebrow, or nose is just like piercing your ear.
cutting yourself is just beating yourself up on the outside.
dying your hair a crazy color is just using a different color dye.

what it all comes down to are people’s own beliefs and morals. what they find acceptable, or what we as society find acceptable. and that’s totally fine, except then people start to feel like they can tell other people how to live their lives. someone might say getting your ears pierced is alright, “but don’t gauge them. that’s just gross.”
“oh, you want to get a tattoo? that’s cool. just don’t over do it.”
“a diet would be a great idea! just don’t lose too much weight.” 

not to mention the people who actually feel like they can dictate to others what they need to do to feel beautiful. and you know what, have your opinions, that’s fantastic. i’m glad you have one, and there are people who might have psychological disorders or emotional issues or whatever else and that may be what’s driving some of their actions or at the very least what you’re using to claim their inability to make their own decisions, but i have to say…

what i love about mankind is our ability to go against everything our body tells us. that’s sort of admirable.