Recently I was discussing the problems transgender people face in society with my boyfriend, and why a lot of transgender women resort to working in the sex industry to provide for themselves, and fund their transitions. 

The catalyst for this was a confrontation I had with a trans friend who was stating that transgender people who have to resort to that are making bad life decisions even though they may have no other choice, and was crucifying those girls who were forced into this life because of the society they live in.

I was sort of shocked initially because for me, this is a personal matter. Not only do I know a lot of transgender women who have worked as escorts, or work in the sex industry, but I work as a camgirl. My personal feelings caused me to see this somewhat as an attack, but I tried to shove them down long enough to understand a different point of view than my own.

Throughout discussing things with him though, a variety of misconceptions came up. Although I don’t like to use labels such as cisgender and all of that all too often, I feel that in this specific instance it’s necessary to convey a point; my white, cisgender, heterosexual, and heteronormative lover failed to see that the America that he lives in is not the same one that I live in. It wasn’t by his own fault, either.

After discussing the discrimination transgender people face while highlighting the actions transgender people have attempted to do to fight for our rights, things started to piece together for him, and also for me.

In about the last 10 years in America, he could only find one documented case of a transgender person suing a corporation for discrimination, and actually winning. It has been reported that 90% of transgender people who have come out have faced discrimination in the workplace. Transgender people are unemployed at a 200% higher rate in relation to cisgender people, etcetera…..

This boils down to a few things. The fact that transgender people as a whole are not being adequately represented in the media, the media’s lack of actually wanting to take advocates seriously, and a general lack of healthcare provisions for transgender people seeking treatment.

All of this really bothers me because it highlights one very important thing that has always bothered me:

Transgender people most often aren’t taken seriously in regards to activistism groups, and as individuals because passable transgender people don’t want to come out, become activists, or reveal their past because there’s no reason for them to do so. The majority of transgender women for example that become activists are unpassable, and become activists because they face discrimination that passable transgender women no longer face daily. Transgender people who pass don’t see a reason to fight for change because they have been assimilated into a life where they no longer have to face said discrimination.

Now being transgender isn’t limited to people who are either hypermasculine, or hyperfeminine. Being passable, and attractive as the gender you’re physically transitioning into is a goal, and a hope, but not a necessity, or confirmation as to who you are. Personality traits as well as interests, and aesthetics are different for everyone.

That being said, since transgender women are more often the ones who do not pass without extensive work/general effort, and they’re also the ones who make up the majority of transgender activists, it’s no surprise that the media uses unpassable transwomen to fuel the agenda that we’re all just freaks with something wrong with us. They refuse to take us seriously because the people representing us in their eyes wouldn’t be perceived as women, and thus wouldn’t know what they’re talking about.

“That thing doesn’t even look like a woman. How could it be one?”
“You expect me to believe that just because he put on a dress, he’s a woman now?”

Generally this concept is disgusting at best, but I digress. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking of ways that transgender people can offer transparency without sacrificing themselves, or their individual safety, but have come up blank.

I keep trying to tell myself that every major group that has been discriminated against has had to sacrifice things to offer progress, and gain rights. At the end of the day though it’s a problem that can’t easily be solved because once you’ve gained the ability to be passable, divulging your sex is almost entirely unnecessary.

As a transgender person you don’t have the luxury of hiding for all that long before you decide to transition, and it’s also not as easy as you might think to hide your past. To actually be able to do much of anything you would have had to transition young, work your ass off, be passable in most every way, and become a fairly successful person. At which point to enact change you would then have to come out, and face discrimination from a large amount of people anyways. Throwing everything you worked for out the window.

Even negating the thought of similar consequences, the pre-requisites you would have to reach to even get to that point, as well as the general amount of transgender people that exist, the amount of people who can actually do much for positive change is a fairly low one.

It’s all just bullshit.

I understand that no one that has sacrificed that much, and worked that hard would want to come out as a transgender woman because of the stereotypes that exist about us. You wouldn’t want to transition into a beautiful woman, and then after it’s all said and done, be seen as a tranny. At the same time though, I can’t see any other way to actually do anything.

It may be true that you will always be transgender, but that’s just personal acceptance. I’m honestly starting to lose hope. My boyfriend who is a soldier, who defends and loves his country is horrified by this, and is in about the same position as I am. 

If you really think about it, it’s easy to see why we’re treated the way we are.

so after years of having one of the worst phones ever, i finally have an iPhone 5! i’m really excited as lame as that may sound. i’ve had the windows phone that does absolutely nothing, and has no apps for quite awhiel.

i also finally have instagram which is amaaaazing!!!! i’m going to be using that a lot. if you’d like to follow me, my username is Vaingory.

if there are any apps or anything you’d recommend, or you’d like to tell me your instagram, or whatever please feel free to do so. ♡

i have a serious problem.

now i know this isn’t going to seem like a problem, but for some reason it is for me, and i need some advice from my followers on the matter if at all possible.

i need to pick one hair color, and actually stick with it.

now i say this because i dye my hair constantly.
as in way too much.

i want to grow it out, and just stick with one color, and cut a few inches off as well as buy a new set of extensions so my hair can get back to being as healthy as it used to be, but… that’s a lot of money to spend on something i may want to change in like a month.

i need to just stick with one color, but i’m always drawn to one of two of my favorite colors, and can never decide which i like, and which looks better on me.

so i’m asking you;

for the people who have seen me with red hair, as well as blue, which do you like better?

going to spend 6 days ~in total~ with my boyfriend again come wednesday. i’m so excited!!! i don’t think anyone understands

✧･ﾟ:*✧･ﾟ:* \(◕ω◕✿)/ *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

there’s something about blue hair that always makes me feel so comfortable with myself, and with my appearance.

i think it may somewhat have to do with the fact that i love wearing pastel colors, as well as a lot of black, and blue hair compliments both nicely. it’s not bad in regards to my skin tone, either.

irregardless it also makes me want to change my style yet again. with new hair comes new aesthetics, and i start to feel more like i’m in the mood for a different brand of fake.

i think i’ll be getting a pair of light blue circle lens soon, and some thicker pairs of eyelashes. brighter eye makeup, as well as gel eyeliner are once again on the agenda, and i also feel like i want to start buying more grey, as well as blue clothing.

i’ll never go back to having my daily lashes be that of a drag queen i don’t think, but i definitely need a thicker pair for everyday wear. perhaps purchase some fake eyelashes that aren’t japanese. you know, something crazy like that.

i honestly feel like i’m moving away from my japanese little girl style, and moving into alternative little girl lately, but i suppose that’s another story entirely.

in lesser vain areas of my life i feel like a lot of things are changing for the better as well. i’m somewhat ahead in regards to my finances at the moment, and i’m at the point where i can buy things i want again without having to worry about any sort of povo backlash.

my mother may be coming up to visit me soon as well which is nice. i haven’t seen her since i moved out 2 years ago now. my grandmother who was sick is doing much better as well, which is fantastic!

and, of course, there’s my amazing boyfriend. i think i’m over the initial “can’t stop talking about him” phase, but have begun moving into the “can’t stop thinking about him” phase that doesn’t feel like it’ll be ending anytime soon. it’s sort of like quick sand, and i don’t intend to fight back.

it still just baffles me that i’m finally with this guy that i’m completely in love with, and can’t imagine being without. a guy i plan to live with come fall, and want to be around every moment of every day for the rest of my life. i’ve definitely been in love before, i know that, but this feels like something entirely different. i feel like something is missing when he’s not around; like a piece of me is missing.

it’s very surprising just in general for me, actually. i didn’t think i’d ever want to live with a man again, and i never thought i’d want to have a boyfriend again, let alone fantasized about marrying any man at any point. yet, here i am.

he feels like home to me.
telling him i love him just doesn’t do it justice.

i have to admit though, that feeling is helping me a lot in every other aspect of my life. i miss him terribly when i’m not around him of course, but i feel like i have a bit more of a drive now. i feel like i’m in the right place, expressing myself in the right way, and living the way i feel is right with the right man to share it all with.

you really can’t beat that feeling.
i want it forever.

needless to say i am definitely feeling the winds of change, and personally, i’m just excited to see where exactly i end up.

one standard of beauty does not exist.

one form of a woman does not exist.
one form of a man does not exist.

in the world that is aesthetics, beauty is subjective.

if you do not see yourself as beautiful because of the visions around you, that is your own fault. if you do not accept, or love yourself for who you are, that is your own fault. accept your faults, as well as your assets.

love yourself, and the way you look.
love who you are because you are great.
you are worth it.

do not blame other people for the lack of love you have for yourself. do not blame other people for the gifts you were not given.

confidence is not a new dress. 
it is not an expensive tube of lipstick, and it is not a haircut. 

confidence is not beauty.
it is not plastic surgery, and it is not other people’s acceptance.

confidence is not a relationship.
it is not a boyfriend, a girlfriend, or anything in between.

if you don’t already believe, and accept these things, you will end up miserable, and it will be no one’s fault other than your own.

love yourself when no one else does.
love yourself when everyone does.

grant yourself the ability to accept the things you cannot change, the courage to change the things you can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

i am so incredibly frustrated with the fact that i can’t find any new music worth listening to or putting on my tumblr right now.

if anyone has any recommendations?

In the last few weeks I have uploaded a few videos on my YouTube discussing my views on various things, including what it is to be a woman, how I feel about misgendering, etcetera…

Now to clarify, I upload these videos because they are my thoughts. They are how I feel at the time, and I like to be able to record that in some way. I make videos, and “blog” in essence to make people think. Think about their situations, their stances, their experiences…all of that good stuff. If someone can say to themselves, “well, I hadn’t thought of that” or even just “she looks happy. I could be happy too.” I have done my job.

With more exposure being placed on what I have to say because I am posting more consistently videos regarding the matter, I have had to deal with a fair amount of disguised, and somewhat deluded discrimination just generally speaking in a number of ways.

However nothing bothers me more than the discrimination, or insults based on my perceived attractiveness, or passability. Quite recently the word “passing privilege” has been thrown in my direction, and each time I’ve felt it’s ridiculous wings flung towards me I’ve felt a bit of respect I had for the people throwing it escape my fingertips.

This is really not going to be a post directed at justifying why it is I don’t see myself as being 100% passable. I do not believe that anyone, including myself, should spend all of their time looking down on themselves, and only really looking at how far they need to go. Dedicating an entire post to my downfalls would be just as sad as dedicating an entire post to why I love myself oh so very much.

No, this post is going to be about the fact that what I have done, what I have been through, what I continue to do on a daily basis to pass, and everything else that I’ve achieved in my transition are in no way things that may constitute a privilege.

Now don’t get me wrong; I’ve had this happen in the past.
A lot of times I’ve had transwomen come to me, and tell me that they admire my “bravery”.
“I wish I could be like you, but I’m just so scared…”
as well as the lovely, “you’re so beautiful…I hope I can look like that after I’ve gone through HRT.”

Now I of course appreciate these compliments quite a bit like anyone else would, but this for me is a problem because it fails to acknowledge what I actually have done, what other people go through during their transitions, and what I continue to do to live my life every day. It also in all seriousness makes me out to be better than I am.

Transitioning is scary.
It is scary every day. It doesn’t matter who you are.
Going out in a skirt for the first time was terrifying for me. Being hit on by a man in public when I am unaware if he has clocked me or not is horrifying for me. Going to a bar, and knowing that I may have to show my ID which does not have my gender marker changed is scary. Being interested in men who may completely reject you on the basis of your genitalia is scary.

I also spend about an hour or two, sometimes more, just getting ready to go out into the world to do just about anything. I spend vast amounts of time doing my hair, shaving, epilating, applying makeup, picking out clothing, practicing my voice…the list goes on. That’s not even taking into account the surgeries, or work I have yet to get done.

My point in all of this is not to complain. It is to show that I am neither privileged, nor am I incredibly beautiful. Without all of the makeup, without the hair, without the modifications to my body in those ways, I am average. I have the same fears, some of which are crippling at times, and the same doubts. I don’t wake up with pink lips and cheeks.

However this is who I am, and this is the life I want to live. So I’m alright with the fact that I take a lot of time out of my life to live the life I want. I spend a lot of time working towards that, and have come fairly far. My life is in no way dedicated to solely my transition, but it is obviously a part of it.

To me, a privilege is defined as something that is given.
Passing in any way was not given to me. It is something I took.

For the record I was indeed lucky enough to be an average height at 5’6”. I am thin, and have thick hair naturally. I’m not in any way trying to say that I was dealt the worst hand that could have been given. All I’m saying is that I’m playing the best game I can with the hand I’ve got, and I’m starting to get tired of some transgender people trying to belittle me, or lessen my experiences based on how passable they perceive me to be. As if I don’t know the same fear they do, or have not experienced the same internal plight as them, or that I feel “elitist”, etcetera.

Living your life the way you want to is not brave; it is courageous.
You have to be courageous to grab what you want in life. That is in no way limited to transgender people’s decisions on their transition either. That is just the way of life.

You need to have a hunger for your own life, and your own goals to achieve them. Knowing that what you will go through is difficult, and that it is scary, but that it will make you better as a person, as well as happier in the long-run is the kind of decision people make every day.

It transforms them from someone with average fears, and average goals to someone who embraces that fear, and strives towards said goals. To me, that is what makes you admirable, and I quite often have admired people who stayed themselves even when everything around them tried to tell them otherwise.

So please; stop saying that I have a passing privilege.

Please stop using the word privilege to define something someone was not, in fact, just given. Please stop using the word privilege as a gun by which you can stand behind to defend your own shortcomings.

Because all you are doing is belittling what I go/have gone through, and cheapening what I do, or how I live to make yourself feel better about the life you in fact are not living.

I was not always passable, and I was not always confident. I’ve climbed quite a mountain to get to the checkpoint I’ve reached, and that is not in fact a privilege.

i literally just had to force my right hand down so that i would stop eating pizza. i have an addiction.

if you think that a woman is just a pair of tits, and a vagina, or that a man is just a dick, and some balls, you should probably escape rope out of my life as soon as you can.

i feel like lately all i’ve been doing is talking about my boyfriend…
surprise surprise! i’m doing it again.

i just spent the last week with him, and i already miss him terribly. don’t get me wrong, i have about 50 things that are keeping me busy right now so i’m not all that bogged down by it, but knowing that he won’t be the last thing i see before i go to sleep for a few weeks is killing me.

whilst with him this week i met a few of his friends, his father, and explored the general area he lives in. we really just spent time together, and it was really nice. nothing fancy, but lovely.

i will say that his friends and family seem ―to me at least― like very cool, interesting, and kindhearted people. so that definitely helped with my general mood. i also got along decently well i would like to think with his roommate who i smoked with infrequently whilst there. 

being there just felt so surreal though. i seriously had to keep reminding myself that i was falling asleep in his arms wearing his shirt. that he was telling me he loved me, and talking to me about intimate things, and that i don’t know…i was actually with this really amazing guy, and i wasn’t dreaming. 

don’t get me wrong; i’ve dated my fair share of cool guys.
however, i did this repeatedly. i’d say about every two minutes i’d come to the realization of ‘wow… i’m actually here right now…. and this is reality…and he’s my boyfriend…….’

and to be completely honest here i’m still a little out of it because i just don’t even believe this is my life. i keep waiting for something awful to happen, or waiting for my life to come crashing down around me. i’d like to think this is all just positive karma for all the bullshit i’ve been through, but i feel more like i must have killed one of satan’s disciples in a past life or something along those lines to deserve this.

i can’t stop thinking about when we made love last, or that look in his eyes. the way he smells, the way he sounds, the little things he does, or how he tries to include me in every aspect of his life. his birthmarks, his tones, his affection… all of it. it probably took me 20 minutes to type this paragraph alone. i was just daydreaming the entire time.

to think that he’s had just as negative a past with relationships as i have makes me queasy. i don’t understand how anyone could treat him in any way negative. i want to make him happy every day to the best of my ability, and treat him as he deserves to be treated.

really to me it sounds more cliché the longer i think about it, but it just feels so right. i don’t know how, or why, but it does. to think that he feels the same way as i do is amazing, albeit terrifying. 

awhile back i remember writing about how i as a person am very much an individual, and very unique. i didn’t write it out of vanity by any means, but simply because i knew it to be true. in writing about that i realized that in regards to my romantic life, i needed a man who was an individual as well. 

i realized that i needed a hero of a man.
i just never imagined that he would appear to me so soon, or that he even existed out there.

i really do need to get back to focusing on my other ventures, and hobbies though. i miss browsing tumblr, making videos, reading my books, having long talks with my friends, getting coffee, taking pictures, and all that other stuff. being with my boyfriend is beyond amazing, but i find myself missing the schedule i keep for myself as well.

for now though i needed to rant a little about this, and about how really great he is. i don’t think i’ve ever felt this way about anybody before, or at the very least this soon. 

i am so tired right now and i have to stay up all night so i can take the peterpan bus to new york and then the transbridge bus to philly to see my boyfriend….kill me

i also added more blue into my hair because i ran out of some of the lilac i usually use. so i guess that’s kind of cool. i wish i wasn’t numb from exhaustion.

i want 50 two-litres of coca-cola RIGHT NAO RIGHT NAO!!!!

until then i’m just going to continue planning my outfits for the four days i’ll be there so that i don’t have to lug five suitcases with me.

my boyfriend told me the other day that my body reminded him of a 14 year old asian girl’s body, hoping of course that i would not get offended by the statement, and i’ve been pretty content with what i got even more so than usual since.

his exact phrasing if i remember correctly was that “your body is so petite, and your skin is so soft. you smell sweet, and whenever we do anything intimate i feel as if i’m with a teenager.”

now don’t get me wrong when i get older i definitely want to have a fairly curvy, albeit normal to thin sized body, but for now my personal goal and aesthetic has been to have…well, a 14 year old asian girl’s body. small tits, plump ass, stick legs, soft skin, etc so that was the greatest compliment i ever could have gotten.

in somewhat related news, my boobs are back to growing again. i think it’s going to take a little bit before i can completely fill an A cup, but if i could do that all of my dreams ―for now― would come true. honestly i think as i’ve progressed on my HRT i’ve realized more all of the possibly more deep-rooted ambitions i’ve had in regards to my body as they have come to be.

as my body has actualized into a more feminine one i’ve come to accept with open arms that the body type i’m progressing into is 100% the one that i want, and i’m very happy about that. for me, and i’m sure a lot of other transpeople out there, i was always scared that going through HRT may not yield the results that i wanted, or that i’d end up looking worse ―or feeling worse― and i’m glad that i was proven wrong in that respect.

each day that passes is a day i get closer to everything i want, and to becoming totally the person on the outside that i feel i am on the inside. it is also another day closer to the future i want for myself.

i’m pretty ecstatic about that, and am overjoyed that i not only have those things to look forward to, but also have a lovely man who supports me in all of that as well as tries to understand what i go through as best as he can.

for the first time, every aspect of my life seems to be going exactly as i’d like. it’s a little scary.