Edith // 21 // Providence
there’s nothing like a new pair of eyes to make me feel a little better about myself, and my sex appeal.
oh, new circle lens, i pray for you to arrive soon….
so serious question here:
how do you stop eating junk food?
recently i’ve tried just buying my food at grocery stores, and preparing it at home, but i can’t stop thinking about ordering delivery food.
chinese, pizza, japanese, any kind of chicken….the list goes on. the tasty grease, the fried goodness…
i’ve come to realize that i spend about 70% of the money i don’t spend on rent on food though, and it’s becoming an expensive habit. not to mention a fattening one.
so seriously… ;__; what do i do??
curled up on my couch eating brunch, and watching the snow fall. did a little bit of afternoon shopping, and conversing with friends.
today has been a fairly interesting day to be honest. i woke up this morning more out of it than usual. sort of ambivalent about a lot of things in my life. romantically, physically, emotionally, etc.
i think it’s just sort of weird for me sometimes to accept the fact that i live in this really cute, cozy apartment by myself. that i have this beautiful vanity, nice white couch, large bed, and all these other things i love. that this is all mine. i have my own kitchen! and my own bathroom!
it’s not even a lot, but i forget that i have it at all.
the fact that i live on my own, am on HRT, and have the things that i have blows me away sometimes.
and i know it probably sounds really stupid, but i’ve never had any place that was just mine before. i moved a lot growing up, and my mom and i were poor a lot. so i never really thought of anywhere that i lived as my home, and i never had a lot.
i’m just really having one of those days where i feel very lucky to have all that i have, but at the same time i’m not sure if i really have all that i want.
i find it very interesting that since dying my hair pink again, i have had more men interested in me that i’ve felt emotional & physical attraction towards than i did when i was a brunette.
i always thought that looking natural, and looking like a “normal” girl was what i should do to appeal to men. to be honest, not long after having black hair i actually felt like i was sacrificing my creativity, or the aesthetic i prefer for the sake of normality, and the hope for that sort of life. it made me resent my natural hair color even more.
in essence, as silly as it may sound, i was settling.
i feel like a lot of transgender people get into that sort of slump, though.
an outlook which revolves around not being noticed, not being seen, and not standing out. an obsession that stems from just wanting to blend in.
of course that pursuit isn’t bad, it just isn’t for everyone. but, i digress;
who would have thought that expressing myself the way that i want would have yielded the results it has? especially in regards to having an unnatural hair color.
i asked a friend curiously as to what he thought about this development, and he told me that to him, it made me seem more outgoing, and more approachable. personally i’ve always had the thought in my mind that it’s more intimidating than anything.
i’d like to say that it’s because of how much happier i am, and how much more i smile when i have crazy colored hair, circle lens, interesting makeup and all that, but who really knows?
it gives me faith, though.
i’ve found the adage, “make yourself into the person you want to be, and the right person will come” to be increasingly true as i continue learning, and growing through my transition.
i think if this has taught me anything though, it’s that at the end of the day, being the person you want to see in the mirror is what is really going to make you happy.
went to starbucks just now to get a latte, and was solicited for sex by an attractive, albeit shorter than i’d like, gentleman.
it doesn’t help that this guy has clearly been following me when i go outside, seeing as he came into the starbucks i was at only to speak to me. he left immediately after i very politely told him “i don’t talk to strangers”, and responded with “i like my boring evenings” when he asked if i’d like to “make tonight a little more interesting”.
his excuse for being at that starbucks was because he wanted to sit somewhere even though he’s hit on me around town quite a few times, and didn’t even order a drink whilst in line talking to me. the whole time i was staring at my phone with headphones in, mind you.
i have to ask though without even considering the stalking, nor how exceedingly cute i look today; how on earth does someone have the audacity to come up to you in a public space asking if you’d like to fuck them tonight when you’re just getting some coffee?
i’ve had men hit on me as well as talk to me before. i’ve even had guys i’ve asked a simple question to, say, “where is the train station” later on in the conversation ask if i’d like to “ride them tonight”, but this is the first time i’ve ever had someone start a conversation with me without even pretending as if they’d like to do anything but fuck me.
don’t exactly know how to feel about this, but felt like writing about it.
yesterday while i was working i had a guy ask me if i had a boyfriend, and while looking at my phone answering a text from my tall manfriend, i said yes without realizing it.
i could physically feel the words escape my mouth, and kind of felt as if i should shove them back in, but didn’t. ever since then i don’t really know how to feel about the whole thing.
(✖╭╮✖) sigh
so it’s 5 am, and i randomly woke up with tummy pain, a weird emotional feeling, and this song playing on my itunes. i’m not entirely sure as to what this means.
i would just like to say to all of the autogynephiles, transvestites, sissys, pantyboys, and other like-minded identifying people that i as a transgender woman do not consider myself the same as you, and i do not appreciate your bullshit attempts at trying to talk to me because i “know what you’re going through.”
my transition is not a fetish, nor is my transition sexually arousing to me.
i am not seeking out the medication, treatments, surgery, and life that i live because i like being a “sissy”, “humiliated”, a “slut” or anything else of that nature.
stop fucking messaging me trying to be bffs on the basis that we are somehow leading similar lives. we are not.
i am a very open-minded person, and probably one of the most accepting people that i know. however, that all goes out the window the moment you compare what i do, what i live with, how i live it, and the process by which it happens to anything that you go through.
i did not dance around in panties in my room hiding away from the world my “humiliation” whilst getting a hard-on. i did not get “sissified”, or put on striped socks to get men to use me “like the slut that i am.” my identification as a woman is not to be compared, nor is it to be synonymous with the terms “submissive”, “weak”, “powerless”, or “demeaning”.
the reasons that i live my life in the way that i do are not in any way, shape, or form the same reasons as to why you like to shave your legs, and wear panties/stockings underneath your pants.
to all of the people who may identify as to what i’ve listed above, i would like to state that i do accept your fetishes, or choices in life in regards to such as is. it is not my place to tell you what to do, or how to do it, and by all means if it gets you off then good for you.
i am, however, done with the idiotic connotation that because i was born a male, and have transitioned to female, i am somehow alike to you and your fetishes.
i do not see being a woman as demeaning.
i do not see myself as humiliating.
i do not see myself as anything derogatory.
the next time that one of you tries to imply any of the above, i’m going to sternly, but politely suggest that you burn in hell.
thank you, and have a lovely evening.
